


you have no idea how many inconvenient boners you've caused

by carameldumpling



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Crack, Dirty Talk, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fae & Fairies, Humor, Loss of Virginity, Multiple Orgasms, Sex Toys, Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-24
Updated: 2011-04-24
Packaged: 2017-10-18 15:01:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carameldumpling/pseuds/carameldumpling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bursting into song in Louis Vuitton is unacceptable.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you have no idea how many inconvenient boners you've caused

**Author's Note:**

> Posted on LJ - 2 Jan 2011. Based on Disney's Sleeping Beauty. A complete mutilation of said fairytale.

As long as Nate can remember, the creepy van der Woodsen house has never been occupied. The doors are always locked, no matter what you try to do to get in. Slamming down the door doesn’t work either – his high school senior just ended up with a seriously sore arm. 

Strangely, the city council doesn’t have any plans for the house. There has been no talk about demolishing it and building something more profitable on the land – it’s in a prime spot, the van der Woodsen house. Nate doesn’t understand why Chuck’s real estate mogul of a father isn’t hunting down the papers to own that house – or trying to at least get the stupid front door open. The windows are all shut, and the frosted glass makes it impossible to see what could possibly be inside. 

“Don’t you wonder about it?” 

Blair rolls her eyes as she sorts through her salad. She hates tomatoes, but keeps on forgetting to mention that to the waiter. “What is with you and that house? No one cares about it except for you.”

It’s the truth. No one does. Which is why Nate is even more curious about it. 

“Curiosity killed the cat, Nathaniel,” Chuck reminds, swirling his wine. “But it never killed a human.”

“Almost did,” Blair glares. 

Chuck agrees silently, and toasts to nothing.

Nate’s friends are weird.

: : :

Nate stares at three of his friends, who all stare back expectantly. “What?” he says dumbly. 

Blair throws her hands in the air, clearly frustrated. Chuck sighs, massaging his temple. Dan’s mouth quirks up slightly and he adjusts his blue coat. “You wanted to find out what’s inside the van der Woodsen house, right? This is your chance, man.”

“That’s impossible,” Nate insists, waving his hands in a complex manner that makes Dan’s eyes cross a little. “No one has ever managed to get in.”

“Because they don’t know  _how to_ ,” Blair says. 

Nate looks at her suspiciously. “And you do?”

Blair shrugs. “We think we might have found a way.”

Chuck smacks his back hard enough for him to stagger forward. “Come on, Nathaniel. You pussying out on us?”

Nate knows he’s being played, but he can’t back down. “Of course not,” he snorts. “Lead the way.”

Dan’s smile is as wide as a Cheshire cat’s.

: : :

Okay, so maybe he is a bit of a pussy. In his defense, the van der Woodsen house looks even more frightening in the moonlight.

“Why don’t we come back tomorrow?” he suggests, taking a step back from the rather disturbing doorknocker. Who on earth even has a doorknocker in the twentieth century? “When you know, when there’s sunlight?”

Blair looks ready to sacrifice her red Prada dress and cut a bitch, and Chuck sighs even louder than before. “Nathaniel. Just open the motherfucking door.”

Nate’s mouth opens and closes, and Dan smiles kindly. “Just turn the doorknob, man.”

So Nate does, trying not to stare at the lion that decorates the main door. Whoever the van der Woodsens were, they were some freaky people. 

The door opens immediately, creaking slightly. Nate takes one look at the gigantic foyer that greets him and whistles. “Whoa.”

: : :

For the weirdest reasons, Nate’s being ushered to the bedroom right at the end of the corridor on the second floor. He doesn’t get the chance to inspect all the  _gold_  that is in this place. It was as if King Midas was in the house, literally.

Dan seems to notice his awe, and grins. “Don’t expect any gold dildos, man.” 

Nate flushes. “Never even thought of it,” he lies. 

: : :

It’s the most confusing, yet arousing thing. 

Lying in the gigantic bed in the middle of the room is a girl. A beautiful girl with long, blonde hair that Nate feels like writing poetry about, despite being an engineering major. She’s in a blue gown, with hands lying on her chest. 

She’s sleeping.

“What the fuck?” He blurts out. “What. The fuck.”

Dan shoves him forward. “Dude, it’s a hot chick, not a monster.”

The closer he gets, the more beautiful she looks. Before he knows it, he’s already sitting on the bed next to her, hand outstretched to feel her skin. And when he does, he promptly pops a boner. It’s like he’s under a spell.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Blair groans. “Is this really the time for erections?”

“This is the part where you kiss her, Nathaniel,” Chuck says dryly over his shoulder. “You know, your lips over hers.”

Nate makes a noise of agreement and bends down, brushing his lips over hers. They’re soft and lush and she tastes of Ben and Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake. He’s instantly in love.

When he pulls back, everyone waits expectantly, staring at that beautiful face, but nothing happens.

Nate sighs. “Real funny guys. Now which comatose patient did you steal from the hospital?”

Blair whacks his head, annoyed. “Shut up,” she whispers. “And look.”

So Nate looks.

The girl’s mouth parts slightly, curled lashes fluttering before she takes a deep breath and opens her eyes. Her big, blue eyes that Nate wants to get lost in forever.

Then her mouth parts wider, and she screams, scrambling away from him.

Blair runs to the girl’s side, making soothing noises.

“What are you doing in my bed, peasant!” The beautiful girl asks, affronted. “Are you not ashamed of yourself?”

Nate raises his eyebrows. “Peasant?” he repeats, looking at Blair, confused.

“What is he doing in my bed?” She screeches, hyperventilating in the far corner of the gigantic bed.

“Calm down, Princess,” Blair says. “You’re going to have a heart attack.”

Chuck smiles wryly. “And wouldn’t that be one hell of a joke. You sleep for so many fucking years, only to wake up, get a heart attack and die.”

The girl, whom Nate is supposed to believe is a princess, gasps and puts a hand over her heart. “Chuck!” she whispers loudly, clearly offended. “How unrefined!”

Nate snorts, and the girl looks at him, as if confused at his actions. “What year do you think this is?”

The girl blinks. “Thirteen hundred and twenty-five, of course.”

Dan sighs. “Yeah, I figured.”

Well, fuck.

: : :

The girl – Serena, her name is Serena – is apparently a princess. A real princess from 1325. Nate doesn’t even know when he should have started laughing hysterically – when Chuck told him that she had been under a spell for the last 700 years, or when Blair declared him Serena’s one true love? Or when Dan admitted that they were fairies? 

He’s been friends with  _fairies_. And he’s apparently Prince Phillip to Sleeping Beauty, too.

“Wait,” He interrupts Dan’s long-winded story of searching for him in the early eighteenth century. “If you’re fairies, why are Chuck and Blair in the Upper East Side and you’re in Brooklyn?”

Dan shrugs self-depreciatingly. “Open numbers. I lost.”

Nate is pretty certain he’s on an acid trip, but Serena seems to be taking this whole one true love thing very well. 

“So he’s my betrothed?” she asks Blair, looking at Nate hopefully from her corner. 

Blair nods. “Something like that, yeah.”

Serena smiles brightly, and Nate’s heart  _aches_  like never before. He wants to make her happy forever. Maybe this is what true love feels like. 

Or maybe true lust, since he pops another boner when she throws herself at him, hugging him tight. 

: : :

“Okay,” Chuck says as he throws himself onto Nate’s couch. “Any other questions you’d like to ask us before we get into the details?”

Nate giggles a little. Yeah, he feels the hysterical laughter bubbling up his throat. “Which one of you is Merryweather?” 

Chuck grins. “That would be Daniel Humphrey. Didn’t you notice all that blue he was wearing?”

It’s true. And Chuck almost always wears green, so Nate supposes he’s Fauna. That leaves Blair as the leader and the one to fear.

“Stupid Disney,” Dan grumbles, tossing his blue coat in the corner, revealing a dark blue shirt. “Of all the names they could give me. Merryweather.”

Nate blinks, shaking his head. “So Serena’s really a princess?”

The princess who was currently in the shower. Nate’s shower. Naked. And wet. 

Chuck smacks his head again. “Stop thinking of Serena naked,” he growls. 

“How did you-”

“You have that look in your eyes,” Dan explains. “This faraway look that you get when you think of hot chicks naked.”

Nate sighs and rubs his face. “So now that my one true love is awake and completely unfamiliar with her surroundings, what do we do?”

Chuck squints and a beer bottle appears in his right hand. “Fuck, I missed doing that,” he sighs happily before taking a gulp.

“You mean what  _you_  do,” Dan points out. “We’ve done our job, which is to locate the princess’ one true love.”

“Why couldn’t you be born earlier?” Chuck asks, waving his free hand in front of Nate’s face. “Maybe like, in the 1800s. Before the world wars.”

“I’m sorry?” Nate tries.

Before Chuck can answer, Serena appears at the doorway, in nothing but a tiny towel. Nate’s tiny gym towel. “I don’t have any clothes,” she says in a matter-of-fact tone.

It’s becoming a real test of patience and willpower. 

“Serena!” Blair shouts from some part of the house. “Where are you?”

“Over here!” Serena giggles, the towel slipping a little. Nate groans and grabs a pillow to cover his excited dick. 

“You can wear Nate’s clothes,” Dan suggests. Chuck grins evilly. They both know Nate’s fetish for women in his clothes.

Serena brightens at this. “Good idea!” she says happily and skips – fucking skips – away. 

Nate looks at his friends desperately. “You can’t leave me with her. I’m going to scar her for life.”

“You’re her one true love, man,” Chuck points out. “I’m sure everything you do will be amazing to her.”

: : :

“This is a television,” Chuck explains, turning the television on. Serena’s eyes widen in amazement, clapping her hands in delight.

“A box with moving pictures!” She says in her lyrical voice. “How marvelous!”

Nate can’t stop staring at her. She’s in one of his boxers and a hoodie, and he wants to drag her to bed and fuck her stupid.

“If you don’t like the show,” Dan gestures to Marlon Brando behind a desk. “You can use this.” He waves the remote control.

“It’s called a remote control,” Blair offers helpfully. “You can press the buttons and the channel changes.”

Serena bites her lip. Nate stifles a groan. “Channel?”

Dan puts the remote in her hands. “Why don’t you try? Remember to point it at the television.”

“Like a wand,” Serena murmurs and presses a button.

It’s the porn channel.

Everyone freezes. Blair’s the first one to react, grabbing the remote from the princess and changing it to  _America’s Got Talent_. 

“What was that?” Serena asks Nate. “That man, why were his fingers…there?”

: : :

“You have got to be shitting me,” Nate runs a hand through his hair. This night is getting weirder and weirder. “Please tell me you’re shitting me.”

Chuck and Dan exchange glances. They’re in the kitchen, after Nate practically ran out of the living room. Blair’s still in there with Serena, trying to reassure her that Nate isn’t ill. 

“Sex education never came up,” Chuck finally says. “We didn’t see a need for it.”

Nate’s pretty sure his neck veins are throbbing. “Didn’t see a need?” he repeats.

“We were in the forest!” Dan says defensively. “There was no one else! We weren’t going to fuck the rabbits or something.”

“So now I have a girlfriend who has no idea what sex is.”

“Yeah,” Chuck agrees. “Pretty much.” 

“Heavy petting?” Nate tries.

Dan shakes his head. “Nothing beyond true love’s kiss.”

Well,  _fuck_.

: : :

Blair sighs. “Serena, why don’t you want to go home with me?”

Serena clings tighter to Nate, throwing one of her long legs over his waist. Nate chokes on his beer, and Dan and Chuck snigger. “Why can’t I stay with Nate? Isn’t he my one true love?”

Blair sighs even harder. “Princess, he has no idea how to take care of you.”

Oh, but Nate does. Just that it’s not the basic needs, but other needs.

Serena looks at Blair tearfully, lower lip quivering. “Just one night?” She pleads. “Please?”

“You can’t say no that face, Blair,” Chuck mutters. “You can’t say no.”

Blair stomps her foot and grabs her red purse on the coffee table. Serena grins, triumphant.

“You!” Blair almost pokes out Nate’s eye with her index finger. “You better take care of her. And not take advantage of her.”

And then she’s out of the door. Chuck waves goodbye to Serena before winking at Nate. Dan gives him the thumbs up. 

Serena snuggles closer to him. Nate tries to move as inconspicuously as he can to prevent her from rubbing his hard on. “Can you tell me what were those people doing in the moving box earlier?” she asks. “I won’t tell Blair, promise.”

Nate takes another swig of his beer. This is going to be a long night. Morning. Whatever.

: : : 

It turns out that Nate can’t say no to Serena’s pleading face either, and ends up explaining to her what fingering is. 

“It’s part of sex.” He pauses. “Do you know what sex is?”

Serena blushes, but nods. “It’s when a man and a woman fall in love, and they…”

Nate waits for a while, but she doesn’t seem to be continuing. “They?” he prompts.

Serena coughs demurely. “They, uh, copulate.”

“Okay,” Nate says unsurely. “So what do they do when they copulate?”

He thought Serena couldn’t blush any harder, but it turns out that she can. “The man inserts his, uh, yard-”

“His what?” Nate interrupts. Surely he heard wrongly.

“You know,” Serena gestures at his lower body that is thankfully covered by a pillow again. “ _Yard_. The sexual organ.”

Well. Maybe that was the word for dick back 1325. “It’s called a penis, now.”

“Penis,” Serena repeats, before blushing furiously again. 

Nate figures he might as well explain it all to her. “When a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina, right?”

Serena nods, burying her head in his chest. Nate swallows, awkwardly patting her head. 

“Okay, well what you saw on TV – I mean, the moving box, is fingering. So instead of a man putting his penis in a woman’s vagina, he puts his fingers in.”

Serena frowns, looking up at him. “But why would she want that? Wouldn’t it hurt?”

“The first time, maybe,” Nate admits. “But then it feels really good.”

Serena squirms next to him, before blushing again and looking away. “Really good?”

Nate nods, thinking of all the girls he’s fingered to orgasm. “Yeah.”

“Oh,” she says softly.

She’s fidgeting, as if wanting to ask something but afraid of his reaction. Nate decides to take a risk. “You want that, baby?” he asks as his hand creeps under the hoodie. “You want my fingers in your pussy?”

Serena makes a face. “Why would I want your fingers in my cat?”

Now wasn’t that a mood killer.

: : :

“So pussy is vagina?” Serena does not seem very convinced. “We call vaginas cats now?”

Nate isn’t sure where the slang came from, but he isn’t going to Google it now. “Pretty much, yeah.”

“And penises are dicks, too.”

“And cocks,” Nate reminds her.

Serena looks disturbed. “Why are all our sexual organs animals now?”

“I don’t really know, Serena,” Nate says impatiently, stroking her bare thigh underneath the boxers. Serena shivers and grabs his wandering hand but doesn’t stop him.

Fuck, her whimpers, it’s as if she’s ridiculously aroused but confused if she should even enjoy this. Like how Jessica Chapman was like when they were both sixteen. 

Wait.

“Serena,” Nate asks curiously. “How old are you?”

Serena smiles. “Sixteen.”

: : : 

“Fuck you!” Nate shouts into his phone. “You couldn’t fucking tell me that my new girlfriend is a fucking minor?”

After finding out that Serena was fucking  _sixteen_  he excused himself to the bathroom and let Serena watch TV, but told her to avoid the porn channel.

“She’s turning seventeen next week,” Chuck drawls. “Besides, since when was age ever a problem?”

Okay, so Nate may be a bit of a manwhore but that was uncalled for. “Since the girl I’m planning to fuck is from the fourteenth century, that’s when! And how on earth is her birthday next week when she’s supposed to prick her finger on her sixteenth birthday?”

Chuck makes a displeased noise. “The whole birthday thing was just Disney trying to create some drama. Turning sixteen, get killed, the whole deal. In reality, any time before she got married was fine.”

There’s a scuffle on the other line, before Blair screeches loud enough to damage his eardrums. “You were planning to fuck her? You fucking asshole! I knew I couldn’t leave her with you! I’m going to your house right now, you bastard!”

“She’s my one true love!” Nate shouts back. “I have every right to fuck her!”

“She’s sixteen!” Blair says shrilly. “She doesn’t even know what masturbation is!”

Nate closes his eyes, leaning against the sink. “Well, I guess I’ll have to teach her that, then.”

Blair’s threatening to chop of his balls and feed them to the lions at Central Park, but all Nate can think of is how to resist Serena for a week before fucking her stupid.

: : :

Serena’s disappointed that they can’t try fingering. “Are you sure we have to wait for a week?”

Nate breathes deeply, determined to think with his brain, and not his dick. “Yeah, we’ll try it when you turn seventeen, okay?”

Serena nods. “Is there anything else we can do when I’m sixteen?”

: : :

The morning after the night of orgasm denial, Blair storms into his house like a bull seeing red, only to find Nate cramped on the couch and Serena bouncing on the bed. 

“Take her shopping,” Nate insists “She wears any more of my clothes and I’m going to end up not going for classes and fuck her, sixteen or not.”

Blair takes his words seriously and whisks the princess away, coming back with about twenty bags of clothes. 

“Those things, the cars,” Serena gushesover dinner. “They’re so fast! Faster than the horses!”

“She burst into song,” Blair complains while they do the dishes. Serena is in the living room, twirling around and humming. “Bursting into song in Louis Vuitton is unacceptable.”

Nate blinks. “What kind of song?”

Blair looks nauseous. “Once upon a dream. She was singing about you.”

Nate tries to look as nauseous as Blair does, but he can hear Serena singing from the kitchen and it’s wonderful. 

: : : 

Nate wants Serena to stay with Blair so that he won’t become a Class E felon, but Serena refuses, wrapping her arms around his waist and pleading with huge blue eyes. So Nate succumbs and sleeps – or at least tries to – on the couch for the whole week, drowsy and incoherent in class because he was busy jerking off the whole night. 

“Seventeen soon, man,” Chuck says, ever Nate’s pillar of support and encouragement. “Seventeen and legal.”

Nate whimpers and buries his head in his hands, giving up trying to focus on his Stem Cell Therapy text.

: : :

Nate is stupidly proud of himself.

Dan had suggested taking Serena to see the sights, and Nate used whatever knowledge he had of Sleeping Beauty – okay, maybe Wikipedia might have helped a little – and figured out where Serena might want to go.

She’s so happy with his choice she’s skipping around the Central Park Zoo, excited over every exhibit and cooing at every animal she sees, including the poison frogs. They’ve went for the sea lion feeding, where Serena watched the show with wide blue eyes and the awe of a four-year-old. Nate supposes that there weren’t captive sea lions back in 1325. 

Right now she’s stroking a Nubian goat at the children’s zoo, laughing when it licks her chin. The goat seems as in love with Serena as Nate and every other man in the zoo is.

“You surely must want to run freely in the forest,” she says wishfully, patting the goat’s head and smiling when it nuzzles her hand. “But on the other hand, you won’t get eaten by large predators here.”

The goat bleats its agreement, and Serena turns to Nate. “Don’t you want to pet him?”

Nate shakes his head. “Not really, no.”

“Come on,” She insists, grabbing his hand and pulling it closer to the goat, which doesn’t seem very pleased that Nate is going to touch it. “He won’t bite.”

The goat bares it teeth. “You, uh, sure about that?” Nate asks, a little terrified.

“Of course!” She beams, turning to face the goat. It immediately looks child-friendly, the fucker. “You won’t hurt him, will you?”

The goat bleats again, but Nate isn’t sure if it’s “Of course not!” or “Of course I will!”

It turns out to be the former, as Serena’s looking at it when Nate pets it. 

When she skips to the sheep, though, it glares at him. 

Nate glares back. “I’m her one true love,” he hisses, feeling a little ridiculous. “I win, bitch.”

The goat snaps its teeth in response.

: : : 

Serena’s seventeenth birthday involves a strawberry cake Blair made – Nate uses the term ‘made’ loosely, since she clapped her hands and the cake appeared – and a lot of presents from her fairies. 

“What’s in this one?” She asks Chuck, holding up a rectangular present. 

Chuck grins. “Guess, Princess.”

Serena shakes the present, frowning when there’s no noise. “Can I open it now?”

“Sure!”

There’s something evil about Chuck’s smile. Nate just knows it, and squints suspiciously at Mr. Fauna as Serena tears away the green wrapping. Blair glares at Chuck, clearly unimpressed.

“Chuck, this doesn’t look like a rabbit.”

Nate turns his head so quickly he gets whiplash. 

Serena looks adorably confused, holding a box that says ‘My First Rabbit’. Nate starts getting images of Serena using said rabbit and groans.

“It’s okay, Princess. Nate can teach you what to do with it,” Chuck says smugly. Dan snorts in his cake.

Serena looks at Nate. “Is it like how our sexual organs are named after animals?”

Chuck and Dan choke on their food, and Blair puts down her red fork, muttering “Oh for fuck’s sake.”

: : : 

Chuck and Dan hand Serena a few more presents when Blair is in the kitchen, telling her not to open those until they leave. And then they both look at Nate and smile the same smarmy smile that makes Nate want to jump out of his window. 

“You,” Blair glares at him before she leaves. “You better not hurt her, Nathaniel Archibald.”

Nate shakes his head. “I won’t, I promise.”

Blair seems a little placated by this, but she still warns him anyway. “I know where you live, and I’ve got my powers back. Meaning that I’m able to turn you into a butt plug, put you in a gay brothel and convince the guys to use you often.”

Nate blinks. It’s definitely the most unique threat he’s ever been given. “Uh, okay.”

Chuck and Dan pat him on the back, and Dan shoves a tube in his hands. “Good luck, man,” he says. 

Nate looks at it. It’s a tube of Me-So-Horny Cream. Seriously, where do they get these kinds of things?

“You go for it,” Chuck nods.

“You both aren’t her fairies, man,” Nate grumbles. “You’re her fucking pimps.”

: : : 

Serena’s in bed when Nate’s done using the bathroom, holding the fucking vibrator in her hand. She’s no longer in her party dress, but she’s not in her nightgown, either. She’s in his t-shirt and panties, and Nate is done with waiting. “How does this work, Nate?” She asks. “What’s it supposed to be?”

Nate groans and palms himself, giving in to the urge. “Fuck,” he growls as he goes up to her and pulls her into a kiss that makes her gasp and moan.

“So fucking innocent,” he hisses as he pushes her little cotton panties aside, stroking her for the first time. Serena gasps and writhes, grabbing his hand again like how she did last week.

“Nate?” she asks, that beautiful voice unsteady. “Nate, what’s going on?”

Nate mouths her neck, wondering if the pale skin would bruise if he sucks on it hard enough. “Wanna try fingering now, baby?” he asks, humping against the mattress. 

“I…” Serena moans as he strokes her clit harder, her toes curling. 

Nate looks at her, waiting for her response. He’s not going to do anything until she asks for it, the little tease. “Serena?”

She clutches onto the vibrator harder, biting her lip. “Okay,” she finally says, staring up at him, blushing.

“Tell me what you want, sweetheart,” he says soothingly as he slowly pries the clit vibrator out of her hands, putting it on the side table, thinking of all the ways she’ll writhe and beg when he uses it on her. The ways she’ll come undone. 

Serena shimmies a little. “Please,” she says.

Nate shakes his head. “Nope, if you can’t say it, you’re not old enough to do it.”

Serena seems to find this unacceptable. “I want you to… uh, to finger me?”

Nate smiles and is about to finally get his fingers where they’ve been wanting to be for a whole week, but then he spies the tube of Me-So-Horny lying innocently on the table and gets an epiphany. Okay, fine, an idea, but it’s a pretty damn good idea, if he may say so himself.

“Maybe this will help you a little,” he says reassuringly, grabbing the tube and pressing out a little. A little should be enough right? After all, Serena’s never done anything before. The thought of her spreading her legs for anyone else makes him want to stab something. 

It takes a little bit of coaxing to get her to spread her legs wider, but she does, chest heaving and face still flushed. Nate bends down to kiss her thigh, and she makes a little whimper. 

When he gets his finger – soaked in what he hopes is what he thinks it is – on her clit, she gasps, her hips thrusting upwards. 

“What…Nate?” she asks, unsure. 

“Shh, baby,” he coos, holding her down with one hand and rubbing the little nub with another. She mewls and writhes, eyes wide. “Feels good, right?”

Serena’s mouth is open, eyes wide and shocked. “I..It, it feels weird.”

Nate frowns, stopping his ministrations. “Good weird, or bad weird?”

Serena looks at him, a little scared. “I’m not-“ before she moans like a whore and gets his dick really, really excited. “Oh! Oh, Nate!”

Guess the Me-So-Horny really works, seeing how she grabs his hand and shoves it in the general direction of her clit. “Please, more, Nate,” she pleads, spreading her legs wider. 

“You like that, don’t you?” Nate murmurs, rubbing her faster. Serena closes her eyes, hands clutching the bedspread. “Like me rubbing this pretty little clit, hmm? Gonna come for me?”

And that’s all that it takes. Serena moans her way through her first orgasm, shaking like a leaf as she comes down from the high. 

Nate pushes her blonde hair away from her face. “How was that, baby?” he asks, so ridiculously turned on it’s amazing how he hasn’t spurted in his boxers like a fourteen-year-old.

Serena looks at him, pupils blown. “More,” she begs. “More, please. It’s not enough.”

Nate growls, yanking her panties off her legs and tugging on the t-shirt she’s wearing over her head. She’s not wearing a bra, and Nate immediately latches to one nipple, sucking it as he rubs her again.

Serena bucks and moans, grabbing his hair and babbling in what seems to be French. When his fingers slide down lower, she begs for them like a dirty slut. 

“Please,” she whines as he teases her, circling the opening despite her best efforts to get the fingers in her. “Want your fingers in me.”

And who is Nate to say no when a lady begs so pretty? He slowly slides in one finger, feeling a little pressure before it’s fully in. Serena gasps, tensing.

Nate looks up from the nipple he’s been teasing. “Okay, baby?”

Serena blinks once, eyebrows furrowed. Nate strokes her clit with his thumb, surging up to kiss her and distract her from the pain. It works; after a while she’s whining and practically fucking herself on his finger. Nate’s never seen a virgin so desperate before, and he pulls himself out of his boxers, stroking himself once. 

“Come on, sweetheart,” he urges, taking one of her hands and wrapping it around his dick, guiding her. “Just move it up and down. Yeah, like that, fuck.”

Serena’s movements are unsure at first, but once she sees how much Nate likes her handjob, she gets a little more enthusiastic. She’s way too good at it, smiling when her thumb rubs the bundle of sensitive nerves and he jerks forward, breath stuttering. 

Nate tries to concentrate, finger moving in and out. Sure, Serena’s flushed and clearly enjoying his finger in her pussy, but he knows it can be better. He just needs the right angle. Maybe if he twists his wrist a little-

“Nate!” Serena shouts, completely forgetting about the handjob as she grabs his shoulder. “Oh god, oh god, please, please, more, don’t stop-”

Nate moves his finger in and out, making sure to hit that spot every time. Serena becomes a sobbing wreck, unsure whether to thrust back or shy away from the pleasure. 

When he gets two fingers in and twists the right way, she comes again, face buried in the pillow as she sobs her way through. 

Nate doesn’t give her any respite. He continues his movements, this time rubbing her clit as well. She tries to move away, but he pins her down. “Take it,” he says, predatory. He suddenly wants to see her completely undone. “Fucking take it.”

Serena has that broken look, body twisting and turning as if trying to escape the stimulation. Nate knows it’s all a lie, though – her legs are spread wider than ever. “Too much,” she whispers, hips thrusting upwards to meet his. “Too good.”

Nate kisses her jaw, rutting against her thigh. “I know, baby,” he murmurs as she clings to his neck and comes, screaming and shaking. “I know.”

He only comes when wraps a hand around him, stroking him to completion. 

: : :

The next morning, Nate wakes his one true love by eating her out. Then he rubs more of that Me-So-Horny gel on her, and then goes to take a shower. 

When he comes out of the bathroom, Serena looks at him desperately, legs spread. “Please,” she begs.

Nate grins and sits on the bed, stroking her breasts. Serena makes a noise of disapproval, taking his hand and moving it lower. 

“Uh uh,” Nate shakes his head and takes the vibrator on the table. “Today we’re going to learn how to use the rabbit.”

: : : 

Chuck and Dan drop by in the afternoon, thankfully when Nate has cleaned himself and Serena up. 

“This place reeks of sex,” Chuck declares, looking proudly at Nate.

“Did you use the gel?” Dan asks.

Nate rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah,” he mutters. “It was really good.”

“The vibrator?” Chuck demands.

“Perhaps.”

Dan grins. “The handcuffs?”

“The nipple clamps?”

“The butt plug?”

“What?” Nate yelps. “Those were the secret presents?”

Dan waves his hand and the house now smells of roses. “Well yeah,” he says. “The bondage set, too.”

Nate closes his eyes as his dick makes a valiant attempt to get up again.

Chuck smacks Dan. “You forgot the butterfly vibrator!”

His friends are not helping. 

: : :

It’s a Saturday, so Nate agrees when Serena decides she wants to go to the nearby ice-cream parlour, followed by a walk in the park. Blair, Dan and Chuck tag along, much to his chagrin. 

“Must you really?” he asks as Blair appears at his doorstep. 

Blair rolls her eyes. She’s wearing a red top with jeans today. “Someone has to stop you two from humping each other stupid in public,” she retorts. “And Merryweather definitely isn’t going to do that.”

“That’s not my name!” Dan shouts from inside. “That is  _not_  my fucking name!”

Nate’s about to defend his sex drive when Serena squeals and dashes past him to engulf Blair in a death hug. Yeah, so maybe he’s a little smitten, because when Serena asks if her fairies could follow, Nate instantly says yes. 

: : : 

The ice-cream parlour is awesome. It involves Serena licking a vanilla ice-cream cone with fervor, and all Nate can think of is that tongue on his dick. 

Blair looks at him amusedly, and he can feel the smugness radiating off her. So yeah, maybe if she wasn’t here Serena might be in the toilet with him, getting fucked until she can’t remember her own name.

“We should go feed the ducks!” Serena says as they walk hand-in-hand to the park. “They’re lonely and we should talk to them.”

Nate smiles at her. He wants to keep her happy forever. “Sure, baby, whatever you want.”

Serena pulls him in for a kiss, and Chuck makes gagging sounds. 

: : :

“Is this what she’s looking for?” Nate asks, pointing at the bag of breadcrumbs. They’re at this little shop near the park that just opened, and Nate doesn’t understand why someone would buy a bag of breadcrumbs. It’s like buying a bag of crushed bread. 

Dan shakes his head. “The fact that there are people selling  _breadcrumbs_. I am appalled by this century.”

Blair snorts. “No, you were appalled by the Spanish Inquisition. And then the Henry who killed all his wives.”

Dan’s about to launch into a tirade of centuries when they hear Chuck shouting. “Serena, no!”

Nate rushes out of the shop just in time to see Serena touch a cactus and crumbling to the ground. 

Blair gasps. “Maleficient!” 

The brown haired woman holding the cactus – seriously? A fucking cactus? – turns around and cackles before disappearing.

“You have got to be shitting me,” Nate shouts as he runs to Serena. “Georgina Sparks is fucking Maleficient?”

: : : 

Serena’s in his arms, looking exactly like how she did when Nate first saw her in the van der Woodsen house, on the gigantic bed. She’s still beautiful, but that spark of life that makes her Serena isn’t there. 

Blair sobs behind him as he kisses Serena again and again. “Why won’t you wake up, baby?” he murmurs, panicked. “Come on, wake up now.”

“Nate, man,” Chuck sounds close to tears. “You gotta understand. The spell Dan casted, it only works once.”

“No,” he chokes out. “That can’t be possible. I’m her one true love.”

Dan puts a consoling hand on his shoulder. “And you kissed her once already. My gift was weakening the first curse. This is another curse, Nate. We can’t save her, I’m sorry.”

Nate is going to lose his mind with all these fucking fairies. “Why the fuck did no one suspect a woman walking around with a fucking cactus?” he demanded to the sky. “Is it normal, now? To walk around with a cactus?”

Some passersby look at them oddly – they must be a sight, a sleeping blonde in the arms of an insane college boy talking about cactuses, surrounded by three weeping young adults. They must look like a scene from a play. 

Blair finally speaks up, voice hoarse. “Maybe the question you should ask is why Serena decided to touch a cactus.”

Nate shakes his head sadly. “Georgina must have promised her something. Seriously, there’s no one who can save her?”

There’s only more sobbing behind him, before Chuck says softly. “There might be someone.”

: : :

Carter Baizen is the last person on earth Nate wants to see, but since he’s apparently an acclaimed supernatural bounty hunter, he’s the only person who might be able to save Serena. It helps, he supposes, that Carter and Georgina have never liked each other. 

“So when Georgina, I mean, Maleficient dies, the curse is lifted?”

Carter looks at him as if inspecting dog crap on the floor. “Yes, Nate. Serena will wake up, and you and her can live happily ever after.”

Nate turns behind to look at the one true love of his life on his bed, in the exact same position when he first saw her. Blair sits next to the princess, face ashen. Chuck stands at the edge of the bed while Dan hovers behind Blair.

“Okay,” Nate says, determined. “So what can you do?”

Carter grins. “I’ve got the perfect plan.”

: : : 

The perfect plan is insane. Nate seriously questions the reliability of the perfect plan, but Blair, Chuck and Dan seem to be agreeable to it. 

“So we’re going to pour an entire bag of salt in front of her,” he says, double-checking. “Because she has to count the salt grains. And while she counts the salt, we are going to pummel her with fish heads.”

“Fish heads kill,” Dan says somberly. “Why do you think we hate going to seafood restaurants?”

Nate cannot believe he’s agreeing to this, but if it’s for Serena, he’ll do anything. “And where are we going to find a whole bag of fish heads?”

“Why, Nate,” Carter says as he gestures at the window. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Nate looks outside and sees two huge trash bags of fish heads. Clean fish heads, too. “This is fucking ridiculous.”

: : :

Because the fairies can’t be around for the ultimate showdown – they would end up counting the salt grains as well, and probably get killed by flying fish heads – they stay vigil at Serena’s bedside. That leaves Nate to lug a whole trash bag of fish heads by himself, a bag of salt in his jeans’ back pocket. 

“I did not sign up for this,” he mutters. “This is bullshit.”

Carter snorts, dragging his own bag of fish heads. “Welcome to the bounty hunting lifestyle, Archibald.”

Not long after they hide the fish heads, Georgina – Maleficient – appears, smug. “Hello there, Carter,” she smiles. “And Nate! What a pleasant surprise.”

Nate glares at her. “Go to hell, bitch.”

Georgina sighs. “Manners, Nate. I was thinking of getting rid of you too, actually, but I guess seeing you suffer like this is more exciting. Let’s see how long you’ll last until you lose your mind and beg me to kill you.”

Carter isn’t impressed by Georgina’s small talk. “That’s enough, Maleficient. No more curses and games. You’re going down.”

“Am I?” Georgina tilts her head. “Or are you?”

She raises her right hand, finger pointing at Carter, but before anything can happen, Nate whisks out the salt from his pocket and pours it on the ground. 

Georgina freezes, looking at the salt as if it’s personally insulted her. “Salt,” she hisses, angry. “You bastard.”

Nate watches in amazement as Georgina bends down – with enough cursing to make a sailor blush – and begins counting the grains. 

“Nate! Hurry up!” Carter shouts, dragging his bag of fish heads out of its hiding place. Georgina looks up and her eyes widen.

“No!” she shouts. “Not fish heads!”

The sheer terror in her voice makes Nate determined to fling every single fish head he’s got at her. He carries his bag of fish heads over to the kneeling Georgina, grabs the first fish head from the bag, ignoring the fishy smell and the coldness, and throws it straight in her face. 

Georgina screams, and Carter hits her back with a red snapper’s head. 

It takes about twenty fish heads from both him and Carter before Georgina finally collapses and stops moving. Nate stinks of fish and probably fish brains, but the bitch with the cactus is finally dead. 

Carter looks satisfied. “One down, millions more to go. Good job with the fish heads, Nate.”

Nate’s phone rings, and he digs it out of his pocket, slimy hands be damned. 

“Nate?”

He cries in the alleyway next to a dead evil fairy piled by fish heads. Carter ignores him and starts dragging Georgina’s body towards a dumpster.

It’s Serena’s voice. She’s awake. 

: : :

“Fuck,” Nate mutters as he slams the door open. “Serena!”

Serena appears at the doorway to his bedroom, and he runs towards her, grabbing her face and pulling her into a long, hard kiss.

“Thought I lost you,” he says between kisses. “Love you so much. Thought I’d never see you smile again.”

Serena grabs his shirt tighter. “No, Nate, I’ll never leave you.”

He hauls her up against the doorframe and she wraps her legs around his waist, yanking him into another kiss and grinding against him. Fuck, it feels so good. 

“For fuck’s sake, Nate!” Blair’s voice pierces through the desperation he feels. “Can you fucking shower before you have sex? You reek of fish!”

Nate pulls away to sniff himself. Blair’s right, but he doesn’t want to let Serena go. Not after almost losing her. 

“Come on, Blair, let’s go,” Chuck says, before snapping his fingers. The smell of fish is no longer suffocating everyone, instead there’s a little bit of citrus. “Let them do their thing. Again.”

“Don’t think this air freshening thing is going to be a regular occurrence!” Dan calls out before the three of them disappear. 

Serena smiles, and the whole room brightens. “So,” she purrs. “Where were we?”

Nate snarls and carries her to the bed, tossing her on it before crawling towards her like a predator eyeing its prey. “What do you think of my cock in you, hmm?”

Serena grins. “Sounds good,” she says as she lifts her dress to reveal the butterfly vibrator. She takes the attached remote and thrusts it in his hands. Nate’s jaw drops. 

“It’s a remote,” she explains, pointing at the little thing in Nate’s hands when he does nothing but stare. “It works just like the TV one – oh god!”

Nate grins, bending down to kiss her. “You should wear it out someday,” he says, increasing the speed and making her gasp and whine. “I'd probably get a boner every time you inhale.”

: : :

Like all good fairy tales, they lived happily ever after. Unlike all good fairy tales, there was a lot of sex, questions about sex thanks to the porn channel, Nate’s other college friends hitting on his one true love, hard-ons appearing at the most inconvenient times (Serena moaning on the phone when he's on the way home on a packed train, for example) and Serena learning how to bake Nate’s favourite cookies.


End file.
